Carson writes: My girlfriend won’t stop calling me a “candy boy.” She says that I love candy and that I should feel OK with that. I disagree — I am not a candy boy. I just like a sweet from time to time. If I were anything, I’d be a savory boy. Please order her to stop.

I’m also a salty/fatty fellow who will choose chopped liver over a candy bar any day. But the law of nicknames is clear: You can veto a nickname someone else gives you (especially someone who claims to love you)fcc, but it is illegally pretentious to choose your own. So Candy Boy is out. But that doesn’t mean you can swap it in with Savory Boy, even if you wanted to. Instead, your girlfriend should call you what I wish people would call me when I’m walking down the street eating anchovies straight out of the can: “Hey — it’s Johnny Umami!”

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